


I Didn’t Want To, But I Did

by aratamakoto



Category: The Great Gatsby (1974)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:01:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23275207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aratamakoto/pseuds/aratamakoto
Summary: Nick's thoughts after Gatsby's death
Relationships: Nick Carraway & Jay Gatsby





	I Didn’t Want To, But I Did

**Author's Note:**

> The first paragraph is the end of the book "The Great Gatsby". There will be some quotes in the book used throughout the text.   
> OOC

And as I sat there brooding on the old, unknown world, I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night.

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther…. And one fine morning——

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

/////

I still think about him. His voice and the mysterious and yet gentle smile. I never knew if I had made the right decision or not, about not telling him my feelings. I still remember the time when he asked me to arrange a meeting for him and Daisy. With his hands still in his coat pockets he stalked by me into the hall, turned sharply as if he were on a wire and disappeared into the living room. My heart was pounding non stop for no reason. And time flies past. He stepped from between two bushes into the path. His pink suit was glowing under the silk white moon I thought at that time. Later, I recognized that it wasn't his suit that glowed, but he was glowing.

My heart broke when no one came to his funeral. Well, on the other hand, I was also relieved, for that it seemed like I am his one and only true “old sport”. But I still wish that he wasn’t lonely though.

After his funeral, I questioned myself for not telling other people the truth. Should I tell others that Daisy killed Myrtle? Should I tell others that Gatsby was innocent ? I don’t know. Maybe I’m the same type of person as Daisy. I do blame myself for contributing to Gatsby’s death though. What if I told Mr. Wilson that it was a total accident and calmed him? What if I was there with Gatsby so that I can protect him? I ask myself these questions over and over. Maybe I was too scared to do that and tell other people about the truth. I claim that I am the person standing with Gatsby, but I can’t help him in any way.

After Gatsby’s death, I had this weird October sickness that came from nowhere. Daisy met Gatsby in October, Gatsby died in October, I visited Gatsby’s grave in October. October, October, October… But despite all these tragic moments that happened in this month, July is the month that I truly dislike.

Everything started in that bizarre and yet beautiful July. I wished all my heart that I never went to his party that July night, but I did. I don’t miss you, but I do.


End file.
